I spent years having sex with no feeling.
For the longest time, I thought it was normal. But talking with other women and learning how much they loved sex, I wasn't so sure anymore.
I asked my doctor about it once and she told me women get turned on by the mind first.
While she may not have been entirely wrong, I don't think fantasizing during sex was exactly what she meant. Though that's what I did for a long time, and only experienced pleasure or an orgasm with clitoral stimulation.
I got really good at acting. Moving my body in a way that was sexy and in sync with my partner, though when I moved into positions where I was leading, I had no pleasure to guide me.
I became very insecure when it came to sex, and faking it was exhausting. I never desired penetration and never, ever masturbated internally.
I continued to have sex regardless of how I felt about penetration.
Eventually, numbness turned into pain. It would come and go. And I experienced massive anxiety when my partner wanted sex.
When I got pregnant, the pain became so excruciating I couldn't even entertain the idea of sex anymore.
My gynecologist diagnosed me with vulvodynia, and the only recommendation I received from him was to take lidocaine. Which was meant to numb the area.
But I didn’t want to go back to numb sex.
I tried different herbs, diets and acupuncture. If it was related to healing and sex, I did it.
And then I started to get a little more curious.
I paid more attention to the times pain would increase - what was happening in my outer world, and the effect it had on my emotions.
I noticed that oftentimes it was in relation to people pleasing, high stress, anger or loss of control.
I stopped having sex when I didn't want to. (Weird, I know. It's actually a thing that can be done!)
I started looking at my vulva and telling her how beautiful she is. Areas of healthy pink tissue, I celebrated. And I started paying attention to my scent and what I had consumed when it had seemed off.
My vagina became my guide for food, people and products.
I asked my doctor about it once and she told me women get turned on by the mind first.
While she may not have been entirely wrong, I don't think fantasizing during sex was exactly what she meant. Though that's what I did for a long time, and only experienced pleasure or an orgasm with clitoral stimulation.
I got really good at acting. Moving my body in a way that was sexy and in sync with my partner, though when I moved into positions where I was leading, I had no pleasure to guide me.
I became very insecure when it came to sex, and faking it was exhausting. I never desired penetration and never, ever masturbated internally.
I continued to have sex regardless of how I felt about penetration.
Eventually, numbness turned into pain. It would come and go. And I experienced massive anxiety when my partner wanted sex.
When I got pregnant, the pain became so excruciating I couldn't even entertain the idea of sex anymore.
My gynecologist diagnosed me with vulvodynia, and the only recommendation I received from him was to take lidocaine. Which was meant to numb the area.
But I didn’t want to go back to numb sex.
I tried different herbs, diets and acupuncture. If it was related to healing and sex, I did it.
And then I started to get a little more curious.
I paid more attention to the times pain would increase - what was happening in my outer world, and the effect it had on my emotions.
I noticed that oftentimes it was in relation to people pleasing, high stress, anger or loss of control.
I stopped having sex when I didn't want to. (Weird, I know. It's actually a thing that can be done!)
I started looking at my vulva and telling her how beautiful she is. Areas of healthy pink tissue, I celebrated. And I started paying attention to my scent and what I had consumed when it had seemed off.
My vagina became my guide for food, people and products.
And I began exploring Slow Self-Pleasure, which became a kind of religion…
This required learning what my body actually desires. How I can turn myself on from within, instead of seeking an external source of erotic stimulation.
It involved paying attention and honouring my own needs - some of those needs for the first time! - without feeling like they were an inconvenience to someone.
It involved paying attention and honouring my own needs - some of those needs for the first time! - without feeling like they were an inconvenience to someone.
This helped me learn how to be present with my body and how to communicate with her.
I was able to finally track that the second I got close to exploring the inside of my vagina, I had a ton of fear flooding my body.
My whole body would contract.
For the longest time, I was unaware of why I had this fear. Many stories from my past "made sense” as justification, but none of them really resonated... Until I realized it was my fear of abandonment.
The pain came in full-force every single time I abandoned myself to please another, and the fear was there because my body didn't trust me to provide safety and holding.
Upon having this realization, I became dedicated to honouring my vagina. I met layers of grief, unworthiness, shame and disgust with presence and love.
The Result: Every time I gave my vagina presence and attention, she gifted me with more wisdom.
And every time I honoured that wisdom regardless of whether it made logical sense or not, she gifted me with more pleasure and aliveness.
I had an increase in sex drive and desire again, my vulva became healthier and natural lubrication was also starting to return.
My body longs to be penetrated now and it feels wonderful and nourishing.
The pain came in full-force every single time I abandoned myself to please another, and the fear was there because my body didn't trust me to provide safety and holding.
Upon having this realization, I became dedicated to honouring my vagina. I met layers of grief, unworthiness, shame and disgust with presence and love.
The Result: Every time I gave my vagina presence and attention, she gifted me with more wisdom.
And every time I honoured that wisdom regardless of whether it made logical sense or not, she gifted me with more pleasure and aliveness.
I had an increase in sex drive and desire again, my vulva became healthier and natural lubrication was also starting to return.
My body longs to be penetrated now and it feels wonderful and nourishing.
If discomfort arises, I check in with my vagina and ensure that I am in alignment with my body's truth, first and foremost.
Navigating and healing my pussy pain led me on a path of true self-exploration - which ultimately benefited my health and well-being far beyond the bedroom.
Written by Natasha Dupuis
Instagram: @the_uninhibitedmama
Written by Natasha Dupuis
Instagram: @the_uninhibitedmama